by Teddy Wayne
Free Will
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink alcohol with you just because you rationalize that as long as you're not imbibing alone you don't have a serious drinking problem.
Self-Reliance
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll assume you're imposing some sort of weird father-son dynamic on your relationship and, true to form, will start resenting you and harboring murderous Oedipal urges.
Freedom
Dance like no one is watching, even though they all are, and you're purposely dancing badly for a bet, and if you let on that it's a bet and that you know how bad you are you lose the bet, so you have to pretend like you think you're good.
Opportunity
When God closes a door, he opens a window, one just high enough to hurl yourself from and finally put an end to your intractable credit-card-debt problem.
Friendship
New friends are silver, old ones gold, in that your older friendships have been tarnished with that green oxidation you can't get out, and the stain is a constant reminder of the time your childhood friend caught you sleeping with his wife.
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